I'm Sorry: The Art of the Apology

Special Forum guest blogger Rosanne Thomas, certified etiquette and protocol consultant and founder of Boston-based Protocol Advisors, Inc., reflects on non-apology apologies and helps us say we're sorry like a pro.
 
Where civility is concerned, a bad apology---and we know it when we hear it--is truly worse than no apology at all. The reproachful, "I'm sorry if you were offended." The take-no-personal-blame, "Errors were made." The accusatory, "I'm sorry, but you...." The discounting, "I was only joking!" Politicians, sports figures and entertainers have all been known to issue such non-apologies, and we've probably done so ourselves. Those on the receiving end of these "apologies" feel less than satisfied and rightfully so. The issuer is trying to have it both ways: to go on record as having done the right thing, but to leave wiggle room and save face at the same time. It doesn't work.

Why people shy away from honestly apologizing is a mystery. The sincere apology is an incredibly powerful, yet woefully underused tool. A true apology saves relationships, rights wrongs and shows strength (not weakness). It allows us to be human: to make a mistake, to own up to it and to move on. It also allows others to forgive, a good practice, as inevitably we will all need to be forgiven.

So what are some elements of a good apology?

• It is delivered as soon as possible, through appropriate means, i.e., via email, telephone call, personal note, in person, through a gift, etc. The seriousness of the breach determines the means: forgetting to return a call is one thing; forgetting to attend a dinner in your honor another entirely.
• It specifically acknowledges the inconvenience or harm caused, and how this must have made the person feel.
• It is unequivocal; no ifs, ands or buts about it.
• It recalls no past grievances.
• It includes a promise to try and not let it happen again.

Sincere apologies are very likely to accepted, paving the way for stronger relationships and more civil discourse.

Waiting for "Superman" Director Davis Guggenheim Joins CT Forum Education Panel

Davis Guggenheim

Exciting news!
DAVIS GUGGENHEIM
Director of the highly anticipated film
Waiting for Superman, as well as
An Inconvenient Truth
will be a panelist at our upcoming Forum,
Our Great Education Challenge , on November 11, 2010.

He will join fellow panelist Joel Klein, chancellor of New York Public Schools, and other panelists to be announced soon.

Davis Guggenheim is an American film director and producer who is perhaps best known for directing and producing An Inconvenient Truth, the Academy Award winning documentary about global warming.

His most recent documentary, Waiting for "Superman" explores the ways in which the American public education system is failing our nation’s children, and the roles that charter schools and education reformers could play in the future. Guggenheim sees dysfunction in our schools and in the politics around them. “Why can’t there be a great school for every kid in America? It just doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I made this movie.” His hope for the film is to “engage real people to get involved in the subject so that we can create enough political will to change our system.”

Earlier in his career, Guggenheim focused on the challenging first year of several novice public school teachers in The Los Angeles public school system in his documentary films, The First Year and Teach. He made these films to address the tremendous need for qualified teachers in California and nationwide, to create awareness of the crisis in our schools, and to inspire the next generation to become teachers.

His other film and television credits as a producer and director include Training Day, The Shield, Alias, 24, NYPD Blue, ER, Deadwood, and Party of Five. In 2009, he directed and produced a documentary It Might Get Loud, about the history of the electric guitar and careers and styles of Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White.

He lives in California with his wife, actress Elisabeth Shue, and their three children.

Freedom Author Jonathan Franzen Joins CT Forum Panel

Franzen photo credit Greg Martin (Freedom)

We are thrilled to announce that

JONATHAN FRANZEN

Celebrated Novelist...The Corrections and Freedom

will be a panelist at our Forum Book Club on Saturday, May 7, 2011. 

He will join fellow panelists Azar Nafisi, author of Reading Lolita in Tehran, and John Irving, author of The Cider House Rules and The World According to Garp.

Jonathan Franzen is a celebrated American novelist and essayist whose most recent book, Freedom, much like his 2001 novel The Corrections, has won widespread critical acclaim. Touted as “a work of total genius,” and a “tour de force,” Freedom is considered a masterpiece in American fiction and Franzen a “literary genius of our time.” He is the first American author to appear on the cover of TIME magazine in the last ten years.

Franzen’s acclaimed novel, The Corrections, earned the 2001 National Book Award for Fiction, the 2002 James Tait Black Memorial Prize for fiction, and was a finalist for the 2002 Pultizer Prize for Fiction. The Corrections was also selected for Oprah Winfrey’s book club in 2001; however, Franzen declined the opportunity for fear that the Oprah logo on the cover might dissuade men from reading the book. Franzen subsequently gained widespread media attention and The Corrections became one of the decade’s best-selling works of literary fiction. His other novels include The Twenty-Seventh City and Strong Motion.

Franzen’s 2002 essay collection, How to Be Alone included “Perchance to Dream, “ a 1996 Harpers essay bemoaning the state of literature and his discomfort with the place of fiction in contemporary society. He further explored the influence of his childhood and adolescence on his creative life in his 2006 memoir, The Discomfort Zone.

Among Franzen’s rules for aspiring writers are: ”You see more sitting still than chasing after” and “Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.”

Educated at Swarthmore, Franzen studied on a Fulbright Scholarship in Germany. He lives in New York City and also writes for The New Yorker magazine.

Please visit our website for more information about Forum Book Club on Saturday, May 7, 2011.

Note: At this time, tickets for Forum Book Club are currently on sale to Forum Members only, but you may call (860) 509-0909 to get on the pre-sale waiting list. Wait list ticket orders will be processed in the order they are received.

CT Forum "Brain" Panelist Temple Grandin Wins Big at the Emmy Awards - Grandin will Appear in CT on February 25, 2011

Photo courtesy of The Baltimore Sun

Last night HBO's Temple Grandin won big at the 2010 Emmys, taking home awards for Best Made for TV Movie and Directing in a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special, as well as Best Actress and Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Claire Danes and Julia Ormand respectively.

"I hope this movie is going to educate a lot of people about autism because there's a lot of people who don't understand it," Grandin said backstage.

The subject of the movie, Temple Grandin, will join our "Glorious, Mysterious Brain" panel on February 25, 2011 alongside Steven Pinker and others yet to be announced.

Temple on the red carpet:



Temple accepts award for Best Made for TV Movie and Directing in a Miniseries:

The Gift of Listening

When our views are so polarized, it becomes increasingly difficult to listen...and hear.
Special Forum guest blogger Rosanne Thomas, certified etiquette and protocol consultant and founder of Boston-based Protocol Advisors, Inc., reflects on the public response to the proposed Islamic Center in New York and offers tips to help us communicate with respect, despite our differences.

Mention the now approved Islamic community center to be built near the site of the World Trade Center and you will get an opinion. Politicians and the general public are voicing theirs (some even making up words, i.e., 'refudiate,' so great is their consternation), and dissenting opinions are often met with shrill invective. President Obama, the Reverend Pat Robinson, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, former House of Representative Speaker Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin and countless others have weighed in. "Religious tolerance" and "freedom of assembly" are juxtaposed against "insult and dishonor" and "a slap in the face to victims and their families."

The 9/11 attacks evoke universal sadness and anger to this day. And in the midst of these emotions, if there is disagreement, true listening, understanding and respect are hard to come by. For many, it is difficult to remember that the vast majority of Muslims were as horrified and traumatized as anyone that day, yet have lived with guilt by association ever since. For others whose losses were simply overwhelming, to expect them to embrace a mosque near the site seems too much to ask.

There may in fact be no common ground here, but there may still be an opportunity. Deciding to really listen, to respect even if we do not agree, to not take dissenting opinions personally and to accept that others just see things differently could do us all a world of good.

In active listening, we:

• Subjugate our thoughts and feelings about a topic in favor of a speaker's thoughts and feelings
• Tune in to both what the speaker is saying and how s/he feels about what s/he is saying
• Give the speaker the gift of understanding and respect, even if we do not agree

To listen well, we must:

• Give undivided attention
• Refrain from asking questions or directing the conversation
• Mirror the speaker's emotions, i.e., smile if s/he smiles, or look concerned if s/he looks concerned
• Restate through-out to make sure we understand and to let the speaker know we are listening
• Empathize

While our opinions may not change, we still may learn something and may forge a new or stronger relationship in the process.

A Blow for Civility

Special Guest Blogger Rosanne Thomas, certified etiquette and protocol consultant and founder of Boston-based Protocol Advisors, Inc., continues the conversation about the recent Jet Blue incident and what it means for civility.

In yesterday's New York Times, Benedict Carey wrote of Steven Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant whose dramatic exit from a plane after an encounter with a passenger has elevated him to folk hero status. The veracity of Mr. Slater's account is now in question after several other passengers offered different views of what actually transpired.

But whether the messenger is ultimately to be believed, light has been shone on the very real challenges faced by those who deal with the public every day, and perhaps what happened is a good thing. Or perhaps it isn't.

Time will tell if Mr. Slater's claims have merit. If they do not, time will also tell whether what he did for the "working man" was more harmful than helpful, a potential ironic blow to customer service workers who deserve a credible advocate.

In the meantime, what we know for sure is that Mr. Slater struck no "blow for civility" as Mr. Carey asserts. Answering alleged rudeness with rudeness, and in this case involving an entire plane of innocent passengers, lowers the bar of respectful discourse across the board. These are undoubtedly stressful times, yet nothing can be gained by lauding such behavior. Civility, unfortunately, was not on board that day.

Civility Meets the Unfriendly Skies

Special Guest Blogger Rosanne Thomas, certified etiquette and protocol consultant and founder of Boston-based Protocol Advisors, Inc., weighs in on the recent Jet Blue incident.

Recent events upon a Jet Blue flight have brought into focus the element of "stress" and its impact upon daily lives.

According to the vast majority, stress, defined as "an emotionally disruptive or disquieting influence," was largely to blame for the unprecedented behavior of a flight attendant that day. Rude customers, unforgiving work conditions and unrelenting pressure finally took their cumulative toll and he had an understandable, even justifiable "meltdown," they say. In fact, his actions were lauded as working-class heroics by those who only wish they had the courage to do the same.

While most of us do indeed sympathize and perhaps even relate to the challenges of stressful working conditions, something is amiss here and one can only wonder how the situation might have been handled differently. Incivility, regardless of provocation, harms more than just those directly involved. It sets our collective bar for respectful interactions lower and opens the door for even more egregious and potentially harmful behaviors in the future.

*******
"Answer rudeness with civility, with politeness." Rosanne Thomas

Click here to see Rosanne featured on WBZ TV's Keller @ Large! http://wbztv.com/video/?id=91758@wbz.dayport.com